Having The ‘Difficult’ Conversations With Your Partner Sober
One thing I was nervous about when I decided to give up alcohol was how I was going to have the ‘difficult’ conversations with Joe.
You know, the ones where you bottle things up, then when you are pissed, it all comes out like verbal diarrhoea? 💩 Having these conversations felt easier when I was under the influence of alcohol; I felt like I had more confidence as my pre-frontal cortex had basically gone to sleep. And I would say things I wouldn’t dream of saying sober as my inhibitions lowered.
The thing was, though, I would start these conversations when I was tipsy, but the next day, when I woke up, I wouldn’t remember how we came up with the solution and our next steps. So we would have to need the conversation all over, but this time whilst we were both feeling hungover (and for me, this meant I was in victim mode and everything was about me; I was a selfish drunk but even more selfish as hungover), anxious, agitated, tired and short-tempered. Again, we didn’t get too far with our resolution!
Now, instead of having the ‘difficult’ conversations after leaving, emotions to brew, ready to erupt like a volcano, me and Joe will go through the acronym FANOS, which I came across through Sinead Hegarty’s podcast 🎙️ FANOS was developed by Debra Laaser, and many use it as a way to reconnect at the end of the day and stay connected throughout the week. FANOS is an acronym derived from a Greek word meaning “to shed light on,” and that is exactly what this structured check-in is designed to do.
It’s recommended that couples do this every day; I’m not going to lie to you; we don’t go through this every day, but I am committed to working towards it. As they say, talking through the entire FANOS should take no longer than two minutes. So, really, there is no excuse not to do it (I’m talking to myself here 😂). Even if you are really tired, you can spend four minutes connecting with your other half. But aiming for once a week is a great start and you can gradually work up o adding more days. Another little tip is don’t put to much pressure on it, don’t make it a big deal, when me and Joe first started doing FANOS, I introduced it as a casual thing.
FANOS stands for:
Feelings: Share with your partner an emotion you experienced today.
Affirmations: Affirm your partner for who he/she is or appreciation for something he/she has done.
Needs: Ask for something you need.
Ownership: Take responsibility and apologise for something you have said or done.
Struggles/Sobriety: Here you have an opportunity to tell your partner the status of your struggles/sobriety/recovery today
One person goes through the entire FANOS one at a time. It’s not a time to give feedback, offer advice, try to fix anything or criticise. It’s a time to simply listen and be present. If you do want to respond to anything your partner has said, wait until the next day as this shows you listened, took time to think about your response and a good sign you care. The goal of this exercise is to build intimacy and restore trust. The key to this sharing time is to create safety while demonstrating connectedness, accountability, and acceptance.
Here is an example of FANOS from holiday:
Feelings: I’m feeling really tired and fatigued as I’m due on. I feel overwhelmed by all the things we need to do on Sunday when we land back in Sydney from holiday to get ready to go back to work. I’ve felt so relaxed, content, happy and in love whilst on holiday.
Affirmation/Appreciation: I appreciate that you open the taxi doors for me before you get in the car. And run back and forth to bring me things to the bathrooms when I forget all the things I need for a shower. Thank you for coming home early with me each night when I’m feeling really tired and ready to go to bed.
Needs: I need for us to have more time together like the time we have spent time together on this holiday, like days out to the Blue Mountains, National Parks and sunrises.
Ownership: I take ownership that when I am tired I can say things that I wouldn’t necessarily say if I wasn’t. I am working on this.
Struggles/Sobriety: I feel a bit self-conscious about my IBS belly over the holiday, but I am getting more aware and stopping myself before I ask you to look at my pregnant belly 😂
Read more about FANOS here: https://hopehousehealing.com/learn/fanos. Give it a go!