Moderation Isn’t For Me
All I wanted was to be a moderate drinker! I wanted to be someone who could have one or two glasses of prosecco and then stop at that. Not someone who would get blackout drunk every time, lose all her belongings and not know who she upset or got home!
The thing is, everything is so much better when I don't drink. I feel good, and I actually like who I am when I don't drink! And I am sure this is down to consistency in all areas of my life. Consistent with meditating, journaling, reading, personal development, working out, eating well, being a good girlfriend, keeping in contact with family and friends and saving money. Even my mood is consistently better! But that didn't stop me from wanting to be a moderate drinker.
I was in such a good place before I went on my last drinking holiday to Dubai. I had taken a 3-week break from alcohol because I couldn't do Dry January. After all, it was my birthday, so I started after my birthday up until I arrived in Dubai for my cousin's wedding. And I was adamant I would continue being consistent with my healthy habits. My intention for the holiday was to spend as much time with my Mum and family as possible, with them living in the UK and me living in Australia. I wanted to make beautiful memories, especially with it being the first of the cousins getting married!
I was sure that because I had taken three weeks off alcohol, I had reset my drinking pattern, and I would be able to moderate my drinking in Dubai. On that first night, we arrived late in Dubai, and Joe and I were hungry, so we went out for food. Of course, that voice appeared in my head with the, 'Go on, you deserve to have a cocktail' and 'Just have one'. So I thought fuck it, and I ordered a cocktail with our food, and I drank it so fast without even meaning to! All I could think about was ordering another cocktail, but Joe wasn't drinking; he wanted to get up early for the gym. I couldn't enjoy our beautiful meal as my head was consumed with 'Will I have one more?', 'Will Joe judge me if I have another with him not drinking?', 'Why cannot I just be happy with one drink?'. Thankfully, Joe didn't get dessert, and we got the bill and went to bed.
The morning after, I woke up so early with fragmented sleep, so I meditated, journaled, read and went to the gym. I felt proud I just had one last night, forgetting how hard and unpleasant it was to have just one. We had a beautiful day out in the sand dunes with my family, but I couldn't stop thinking about a drink in the evening. Again, my mind was consumed with thoughts like 'How many drinks will I have?' and 'What drink will I have that will take me a while to drink?'. By the time we finished our day trip, I was itching for a drink, so I opened a bottle of prosecco that was supposed to be for a boat trip whilst getting ready and, without knowing, I drank it all!
I got to the bar where everyone was: Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, and family friends who had all travelled to Dubai from the UK, China, Canada and me and Joe from Australia! Everyone was so excited, and the drinks were flowing! I completely forgot about moderating my drinking, and the next thing, I woke up in bed, not knowing how I got home! That first night with my Mum and family, where I had the intention to spend quality time and make precious memories, was out the window! That morning, I couldn't even lift my head from the pillow, and I was furious with myself! I should have been excited to go to a hen party. It was one of those pool parties where your ticket included unlimited drinks, but I couldn't think of anything worse! I ended up pulling myself together, I got some food and made my way to the hen do where my poor Mum had been waiting a couple of hours already for me. I felt so guilty and full of shame. You would have thought I would have learnt my lesson, but after a few Aporel Spritz's, I was back on the drinking buzz, and nothing was stopping me from getting my money's worth! While my Mum headed home, I headed to another bar, and of course, it was another of those places where your drinks were unlimited! I don't need to explain how I felt the following day!
On the day of the wedding, I was very conscious of my drinking habits, so I only allowed myself one glass of champagne until my cousin and now wife tied the knot. And it was torture for me; I was watching everyone else knocking the drinks back whilst I used all my energy and willpower to have just one drink! It was exhausting! As soon as the ceremony finished, I started knocking them back, and before I knew it, I was on the dance floor with everyone else! My next memory of the wedding is Joe waking me in the taxi and telling me we were home! As always, I failed to be a moderate drinker!
On that flight home from Dubai, I reflected on my intention to keep my healthy habits consistent and make unforgettable memories with my family. I compared it to the reality of the holiday, where I spent most of my morning in bed, not being able to pick my head off the pillow and not having that many memories because I was either blackout drunk or too hungover to meet up with my Mum! I barely even seen any of Dubai! Alcohol robbed me of so much that holiday! Memories, time with my Mum and family, energy, health, my healthy habits and being able to sightsee in Dubai. Being a girl who can have one or two is not something I can do! I'm an all-or-nothing girl, and I bring that into everything I do. It can be a negative but also a positive trait! So that's when I decided to take a six-month break from alcohol, and a year later, I still haven't touched a drop of alcohol. And there is no desire to drink again! Life is so much better without hangovers and trying to be a moderate drinker. My mind is no longer consumed by drinking and thinking about where my next drink is coming from. I am now more ambitious, optimistic, consistent, productive, energetic and have mental clarity!
I know I will never be able to moderate. As Dr Judith Grisel says, 'There's no good evidence that shows you can go back to moderate use after having been addicted.' And I was addicted; when I had one or two, there was no off switch, I could not stop. This is very common; American Addiction Centres rank alcohol as the third most addictive drug. They rank cocaine first and heroin second, and they say alcohol is the most regularly used addictive substance in America. So, if you are also addicted to alcohol and cannot moderate, you are not alone!